I miss you.

Your in gran canaria...

i know we aren't "us" anymore but that hasn't stopped me thinking about you the last 6 days...

when you've been happy i've been happy as its a comfort knowing your out there with friends on a holiday you weren't sure about. But there has been the bad times where you haven't been exactly having a good time... i really really wished at those points i could help you. I dont know what im saying and I doubt you'll read this unless i mention it to you... but i doubt if you find this off hand you'll mention it to me cause things are kinda strange at the minute... but the future is unwritten i'll just make sure to talk you out of sudden spontianity thats out of your comfort zone in the future...

30 things i love

30 things that i randomly think about whilst trying to decide what i love

30. Jager

29. monster

28. skate 3

27. Billy fucking Idol

26. Blink 182

25. YouTube

24. Cameras

23. Lighting

22. Bokeh

21. New technology

20. Apple

19. Cake

18. Pie

17. Pepsi

16. guitars

15. random happiness

14. cool pants

13. feeling sexy

12. being complimented!!!

11. hugs

10. kisses

9. sex (we all knew it was coming)

8. being drunk yet in control

7. marshall amps

6. when given attention

5. strawberry creams

4. my friends

3. blogging

2. conversations that leave me smiling

1. lists of things i like

The garden center

today i went to the garden centre... when you live life as a shut in you will accept any invitation out to avoid going insane. It was really good i was expecting to be bored out my mind the whole way round but i wasnt it reminded me how much i used to love going to theese places as a child there was a rabbit that was really really really cute who was there as a general pet. there were big pond fish for sale that looked really awesome to an extent i want a pond. i ended up buying tomato plants despite all of my mates thinking i wont have the attention span to grow them i dont do anything better with my days off so i might aswell :).

Good little day on the way home picked up this months issue of practical photography and i have had a few ideas of how to incorperate it with my graded unit.

12 Reasons I'm glad your my girlfriend

12. You accept my inner geek - It doesn't sound that amazing i'm guessing but its a requirement alot of people don't get me and label me as odd weird or eccentric but regardless of what i'm doing you always are supportive and usually are interested even if i do bang on about bokeh :P

11. I've been talking to you for 3 years and your still not bored of me! - That is bloody impressive

10. Your smile - Doesn't matter whats happened that day if you smile at me i'm cheered up and grinning like an idiot.

9. Texts - You are without a doubt the person i have text the most in the time Ive owned a mobile phone we text all the time and its once again an accheivment you still text back :)

8. The little things - there are so many little things that we talk about that make me smile and if i talked to other people about them they'd probably think i was mad

7. You always listen - No matter how pathetic im being if somethings bothering me you will always listen and try to cheer me up or if you can you will help the situation

6. DVD days - the best ways to spend the day curled up on the tv watching films and if there crappy just moaning about them for weeks afterward *cough* vantage point *cough* sin city *cough*

5. Play fights - Even though i always win even if i did have to lick you once :)

4. You are one of the kindest human beings ive ever met - a trait that people never fail to undervalue but i love it <3 3. Every day is a new day - you have an awesome attitude towards life and if yesterday was shit who cares that was yesterday! today is what you care about

time for the obvious top 2

2. Hugs - The amazing hugs that turn me into a ball of moosh :)

1. Kisses - How can it be such a simple gesture can show so much effection and make someone so happy?

theese are 12 reasons i have many more but i thought i'd show you some of them. i have no idea why i picked 12.

Get to f**k #2

i can see this becoming a regular thing but todays thing that has annoyed me is that a few of my mates keep asking what my msn pm of "Hazel (L)" means. well for a start the (L) will be shown on there screen as a nice little heart. So whats not to get? im sending a nice little message to someone special.

The next thing that is annoying me is on the same subject. People asking me about my relationship status or assuming it for me. I don't care what you think if i did i'd ask all i care about is that im spending time with someone special and having a good time doing it. When people get hung up i get hung up. so it generally just annoys me. Either keep your nose out or listen when i try explain.

And the final thing is when people say things like "oh Ian how comes you never talk about your girlfriend" - there are a few reasons. I do talk about hazel (all good things :P hazel) when there is a real reason to. I dont want to bring her up in conversations where its not needed like most people do about people. It's just pointless and nobody cares and it gets to a point everyone is rolling there eyes. Plus i dont really see why i should tell people who dont actually know her things about her... it'd really freak me out if i met someone and they could tell me stuff about me and i didnt know how they knew...its just weird. People are never happy if i did talk about her they'd say aww i never shut up about her. I mean a few of my friends even rolled there eyes when they asked me who i was texting so imagine if i didnt shut up?.
any way this is another wee rant brought to a close im going to go do something fun like watch a dvd play skate 3 rather than sit and moan to a blog site.

Get to f**k

I'm back here as an outlet. . . i dont mind the one follower i have knowing how i feel <3

Today i have almost came to a complete outburst i feel like shit. sitting in my room on a complete downer. It's not just today thats caused this i had an amazing day went to a record fair picked up some amazing vinyl took some amazing pictures and in general had a blast finally felt like i'm living again. I know i'm being stupid. when i've been down lately most of the people around me have been there quickly enough to tell me i'm being stupid infact i am fed up of being told to man up and move on. So thats the first Get to fuck! i am me if you don't like that sometimes i don't know how to handle things or at least say that you don't wanna hear it or you think I'm moaning a little to much. theres a politer way that doesn't make the recipient of what you have just said feel bad.

''"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Another thing that has been grinding my gears that was properly brought to my attention today is people making up problems. I genuinely love anyone i call my friend so i dont see why you like as much getting the negative attention from me when im feeling really shit for you fair enough i might be a little more open and come across as nicer. I'm not being nicer im just being more open. I like to tell people nice things when i feel appropriate not when your just fishing for a fucking compliment. so get to fuck. this also includes people who are pretending to feel shit for jokes or be angry for jokes or things like that grow to fuck up and stop mucking with my head. its not something i want my friends to do.

Another thing is I'm tired of being a people pleaser. I'm fed up of being in environments when i cant really open up and tell my friends what i think in worry of them being a dick. for example when someone asks an opinion from me im a generally honest person you must be able to see my mouth defying my face when im lying through my teeth cause if i dont you'll go off on one. this is not something i plan to do much longer get to fuck.

I'm gonna draw this to a close there are about seven or eight more in me but for tonight i've got theese ones out

The man in the mirror.

lately ive really been wondering about myself. where i stand as a person, all i know so far is this. if i could see myself in the past becoming who i am today i'd be shaking my head in dissapointment.

Lets not get this wrong the me 2 years ago was a complete dick he was obsessed with having a girlfriend and just having fun.

But the new trying to keep people happy me is on the opposite scale he wont ask the girl he likes out incase he looses her (thats probably a really good idea tho) puts his mates over the career to keep them happy. will have a conversation with someone he has no interest in at all just to keep his mates happy. Talk to scary intimidating guys in bars who are demanding he does shots so they dont dislike and beat him up. the old me wasnt a good person but the fact is he did what he wanted to do was who he wanted to be the new me is a shadow living in his memory.

Ian Devlin - Not gone but most certainly forgotten.